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A Common Sense Approach to Using a Public Restroom

It never fails to amaze me the things that people do in public restrooms. Here is just a short list of ways to use common sense to prevent yourself from becoming the outcast of the public restroom world. Listed in no particular order and unfortunately experienced personally by me on several occassions.

1. This one is an accepted rule and should be implied for all male usage. If you walk into a public restroom and need to use a urinal or stall, don't pick one right next to someone already pissing unless you really have to. Nothing throws out the "I'm gonna look your peen" vibe better than choosing some unlucky guy to be your urinal buddy when there are 5 other empty ones further down the row.

2. Don't talk on your cellphone while using a public restroom. No one wants to hear you talk loudly into the phone as they try to relieve themselves - especially when you are so oblivious as to chose the urinal right next to them to hold your conversation about the stupid crap in your life that no one cares to hear about. (And do you actually think the people on the other end of the phone can't hear you piss or flush? Well, they can and they know what you are doing and they think you are disgusting).

3. If you are shy and pick a stall to pee in, at least sit down. Short of offering to share a stall, there is nothing more awkward for the guy in the stall next to you than having someone come in and stand around trying to pee for 10 minutes while he attempts to pinch one off.

4. If you are alone in a public restroom stall and a new person walks in, a light cough, sneeze, or throat clearing is appreciated. It will save both of you the embarrassment of the new guy at the urinal accidentally sharting himself when, thinking he is alone, he tries to let a massive fart go and instead is forced to barge into your occupied stall in a vain attempt to rescue whats left of his tighty whities.

5. Always wash your hands. I don't care if you do it at home or not, when a guy washes his hands in a public bathroom he shouldn't have to deal with the conundrum of finding a way to open the bathroom door without getting your leftover shit germs all over his freshly cleaned hands. We invented bathroom sinks for a reason and it wasn't just because they completed the look of the room.

6. If you clog a public toilet, don't wait around trying repeatedly to flush it again. If your shit is so nasty and overwhelmingly large as to clog an industrial strength toilet, the last thing anyone wants is your shit stew overflowing onto the bathroom ground. And it will happen if you keep flushing the damn toilet! So call it quits and hope the next guy to use the stall will be smart enough not to try to flush it himself.

7. On a similar note to the above: If you clog and overflow a toilet, and you know there are other people in the stalls next to you, give them a heads up before toilet water and poo starts flowing out around their feet. It is just good manners to let someone know that a shit river is heading their way.

8. No matter how awesome looking your shit is or how badly you may want to share its unique shape and pungent odor, please refrain from sharing and flush the damn toilet. If it will go down the drain that is where it should remain. We have for those who wish to share; so take a pic and let it flow.

9. Graffiti about how slutty a girl is or where to find a good time is 100x more entertaining than comments about the size of your penis. No one is going to believe it is that huge but everyone is going to believe your ex is willing to put out for a "good time".

10. If a stall door is closed and locked, check quickly if you see the shoes of someone using the toilet before you try to knock it open with a steady kick to the door.

Bonus. If you are a homeless person (and you are somehow reading this blog) please please PLEASE lock your stall when you go to use a public restroom in the early morning. I know you have to hold it in most of the night until the stores open up again. And I know you aren't used to using things like locks and doors to maintain some level of privacy, but doing so can help prevent some poor sap (like me) from wanting to gouge their eyes out after rushing into the bathroom for an emergency morning shit session only to find a half naked hobo wandering about.

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